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I feel like I should tell people that this is not a romantic quote… he’s talking about being a get-away driver… but you can pretend he’s talking to you if you want, I won’t judge. 

(via cutoutofstone)

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tastefullyoffensive:

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1920’s Edition!

That’s ladies and gents, I went to a party dressed as a flapper then another unthemed party still in the flapper dress. I hope you are slightly amused.

-2 scratches I refer to as battle scars

-1 bruise (don’t remember falling)

-I owe someone dinner and two drinks.

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"I want to drunk tweet."

"I am soooo drunk. I love you, you’re my favorite sister." 

"I puked in the car because I heard Sarah puking. :( still a champ."

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So this is my job.

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So I’m a nanny and every morning I take the five year old to camp, this week two of the children were visiting their grandma in the states but they live in Uganda, anyway we were talking about puppies and Josie says “my puppy is getting really big. Almost as big as my turkey!” Needless to say the other five year olds were super confused. It was so cute though!

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This saturday was PRIDE weekend in Omaha!
Repercussions: I cannot get the song pussy manifesto out of my head.
I found out I actually really enjoy coors light.
I have a picture of myself with a person who refers to herself as bitch, at one point she said her mother named her this, I was not able to discern whether or not this was a fact.
Some woman I have never met bent all the way over behind me, put her ass on my leg and began “dancing?” I responded by taking one step forward so she was “dancing?” With the air.
I INHALED kids chicken nuggets at Village Inn #likeitwasmyjob
I fell asleep driving back to Lincoln, woke up at the gretna exit and DEMANDED chocolate milk.
I woke up with a pin that reads “let’s be nice. Love, gays.”
Overall it was an excellent night. Pride is amazing,

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Texts: This beer tastes like sunshine.
Please come get me Katie is trying to sleep with me.
I’m having Megan come get me because Katie is hitting on me and I like being YOUR gf.
Being a good gf is hard, I just want to sleep, but I haz to wait for Megan to come get me.
I JUST WANT MY OWN BED!

I found a book on a park bench walking back from the bar and began reading it aloud to passersby. The book was Bel Canto, you should look it up.

Halfway home I found a recliner with no back on the sidewalk and decided right then that walking home was too tiring and I needed a break.

Eventually I did get home to my bed with the help of my roommate who lucky for me gets off work at 2:00am

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Highlights from my Friday night AND a special edition Highlights from my Saturday night. Stayed tuned for whenever I have enough time to write about them.